Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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