I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize