the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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