I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I did not marry a roomba.
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