i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
