You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
