There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
