how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
