omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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