I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize