he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
