I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
