to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
