Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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