life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
There are leaves in my underwear?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize