i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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