It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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