There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
