I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
