We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
This is the high leading the old right now
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
