The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
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