it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize