Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
