I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
