when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
