Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
