My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
