I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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