i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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