So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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