bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize