Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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