Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
