Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
