you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
