the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
