i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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