he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
