My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
