She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
