we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
