1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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