Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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