k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Are my feet made of real feet?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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