when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
