i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
