Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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