Nicole vs. Life
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
