apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
