sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
