I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
