Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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