I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
His nipple licking is glorious
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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