well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
