How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
