So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
