There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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