I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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