Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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